Family Fix Ups

Mentioning the sister stache fix up made me remember that all of my immediate family have fixed me up. These fix ups were one-offs and have not happened again since my early 20's.

Father Fix Up: I was a Sophomore at Illinois State University and home for Winter break and for a year or so I had heard about how great "Dan Simon" was (please note that although I quote "Dan Simon" there is no doubt that his name is and was Dan Simon. This is not an alias.) from my father. Finally, I agreed to go out on a date with this "Dan Simon". He arrived at my home and I remember my mother's reaction, "He looks like he could be her uncle". I was 20-21 at the time. Not only could "Dan Simon" have been my uncle (he was probably only 28 at the time but looked a bit older) but he had a tail......not a butt tail but a hair tail. I think at one time tails were popular but they were never my gig and this tail he was sporting was definitely not in the "it's cool to sport a tail" era. We went to the Hob Nob for dinner. I remember being miserable. I just wasn't attracted to him at all so to punish myself even more I ordered a spinach salad with no dressing because if I was going to be miserable I was going to be really miserable (one wonders why I need therapy). After dinner we went to see a movie. I believe it was "Naked Gun" or some other Leslie Nielsen movie. After the movie was over we were walking out and who do I see but this guy who I went to HS and College with and actually had made out with, Mike Archibald. I was mortified. How would I explain being with this guy who looked like my uncle with the tail? So....I pretended he wasn't with me. I AM AWFUL! I just talked to Mike like I was alone. Needless to say, I couldn't wait to get home. Me being a beeaatch to "Dan Simon" didn't stop him from telling my father that he really liked me. I think my father had visions of walking me down the aisle to meet "Dan Simon" but alas, I just couldn't see him again. Ironically, I got mono a few days after my date so I had a good excuse to not have to talk to him again but every time I was sad about not having a boyfriend my father would say to me, "Well, 'Dan Simon" is still available". I wonder what "Dan Simon" is up to these days....

Mother Fix Up: I had transferred to Columbia College and my roommate Darlene and I decided to have a party our senior year. We invited a lot of people and a lot of people showed up. It was actually a ton of fun! I threw one other party later that year and it wasn't nearly as good. I was excited because a guy who I worked with at Summer Camp (Scottie Paul) was going to be there. I liked Scottie (Is it Scottie or Scotty? I forget.) a lot and had done so for a full year and a half. I couldn't believe he was going to be at my abode. Now, during this time my mother worked at Office Max or Office Depot or some Office store. I think she did this for a year or two. Us Goldmans love us some office and school supplies. She told me that there's this really "sexy guy" (Everyone should run for the hills when their mother makes note that some dude is "sexy") who she works with that she wants to fix me up with. I told her to tell him to come to my party. Well, it's the night of the party and there I am in the kitchen with Scottie Paul professing my "like" for him when all of a sudden this tall "jean on jean" (jean jacket with a pair of jeans) guy with long hair walks in. Please note that my mother loves the old Jon Bon Jovi look so I can see where this guy was sexy to her. I was not attracted in the least but I was nice to him and showed him around. I really just wanted to get back to Scottie Paul. Well, I broke loose from Jean on Jean and maybe 20 minutes later or so he finds me and asks me to go to my back sun room with him. He wanted to chat so I felt obligated to do so since he was a guest who knew no one. After about 2 minutes the guy was trying to make the moves on me. He was ALL HANDS. I literally had to push him off me. We were both a little boozy but I remember being a bit frightened. Needless to say my mother calls right around this time to see how things are going. "How are things going?" I say to her. "I'll tell you how things are going.....your 'sexy' fix up just tried to rape me in the back room." Of course my mother was mortified. And "rape" was a little harsh....but he definitely tried to paw me down. I never heard from the dude again.

Date Me!